Tell Me Some Lies

My last post implied a loss of faith in humanity, and after reading it, I see that it was a bit harsh. I’d like to make amends by offering my stellar social skills as an instructional tool for you. I will begin by assessing the level of instruction you need, with the following quiz. If there is any hope for you, and you apply yourself to my instruction, you will have some basic skills regarding how to behave should you ever find yourself out in the world, or in the company of a human. So, let’s determine your level of social grace. Think of this as a placement test.

1. We cross paths, clearly both of us are heading somewhere. I in fact am walking at a clip that would have qualified me for the US speed walking team in the 2012 Olympics. My greeting with a smile is “Hi, how are you” The appropriate response would be:

A) I am well, thank you. How are you today?

B) I’m okay

C) Meh

D) Well, my colonoscopy turned up some polyps that had to be removed and sent to the lab. Turns out they were just fibrous, but now I’m …

2. At a party, an attractive member of the opposite sex approaches you and says “You look nice.” The appropriate response is:

A) Thank you. You’re not too shabby either.

B) Thanks

C) That’s nice, but I’ve looked better

D) Well, I just found this dress at goodwill this afternoon, and didn’t even have a chance to have it dry cleaned, and these spanks are cutting off my circulation, thanks to the water I’m retaining…

3. Your child has a friend over and the polite little rugrat says “This is good”, while eating the cookie you put in front of him. Your response is:

A) Aren’t you sweet, thank you.

B) Thanks

C) See that junior, that’s how children with manners behave

D) Well, they did take four hours to make: you have to have a big mixer, and first you let the butter sit at room temperature foray least an hour, and meanwhile sift…

4. You’ve been invited to a soiree of which you have no desire to attend. You say:

A) Thank you for the invitation, but maybe another time.

B) I can’t tonight.

C) No, the last time I went to a party of yours I thought I’d slip into a coma out of sheer boredom.

D) Well, you know I don’t have anything to wear, and I’d have to get a babysitter, I don’t think there’s gas in my car, I have to get up really early, my cat just threw up all over my house, I think I’m going down with…

5. You cross paths with me. We’ve never met, but I am smiling because I am a happy person. We make eye contact and you:

A) Say good morning and then you move along.

B) Smile and move along.

C) Grumble something under your breath while staring at my chest.

D) Say looks like you had a rough night.

Answer Key:

Give yourself the following points

1 for every A

2 for B’s

4 for C’s and

6 for every D

Add your points and read your evaluation

4-8 Points- *Smooth: You may leave the house with confidence whenever the mood strikes.

9-12 Points- *Hiccups You need a bit of polishing. You may leave the house if escorted by someone who’s Smooth.

13-20 Points- *Shaky: We have some work to do. You must start by thinking of how you would like to be approached if you were the other person. Empathy is the key, and sometimes a little white lie is the best solution if you just can’t bring yourself to think nice thoughts. You need to limit your contact with the world and only when you absolutely must leave your house, you will be supervised by a Smooth, or 2 Hiccups.

21-30 Points- *Speechless: Stay home.

The Daily Post
Sweet Little Lies
As kids, we’re told, time and again, that lying is wrong. Do you believe that’s always true? In your book, are there any exceptions?

3 thoughts on “Tell Me Some Lies

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