2016 # The Turd That Wouldn’t Flush

Admittedly, this is not the classiest title for a post, but I believe Ernesto Hemingway would approve- as it is the truest title I’ve ever written. This has been a shitty year. I unthinkingly condemned 2016 to Hell with my first post of the year which began: “I’m feeling strangely optimistic.” — I take full responsibility…one should never make overly idealistic prophetic statements. For me on a personal level, 2016 has been the worst year to date. In as far as general world events go, while not the worst ever in history, it was not a good year…and for that I am sorry. 

It began as any other year begins, with the first month:

January

  • Taiwan Elects it’s First Female President- (Could this be a trend?)
  • Suicide Attack in Damascus kills more than 70 people.
  • Me- decisions for both my girls colleges are made.
  • A mysterious skin affliction takes over my face- I blame a new moisturizer.

RIP- David Bowie, Alan Rickman~~~

February

  • US presidential primaries on the republican side are cute…like that dog that is so ugly it’s cute.
  • International discussions over Syria lead to temporary partial ceasefire.
  • European Commission threatens to exclude Greece from “travel free zone” due to border control neglect.

RIP: Harper Lee (author- To Kill a Mockingbird)

~~~

March 

  • Brussels Bombing Attack- Thirty two civilians and three perpetrators killed, more than 300 people injured.

RIP- Nancy Reagan (many criticize the former First Lady for having championed causes only after they affected her life: she was anti-LGBT rights until her own son came out of the closet, she was anti stem-cell research until she realized the research might lead to a cure for her husband.)
~~~


April

  • Queen Elizabeth II turns 90.
  • Me- The tally of my years on earth increases as well…the Queen mum has me beat.
  • My youngest child and only boy…the one who has been backseat driving since he was strapped into a forward facing car seat— acquired a drivers learning permit.
  • I contact my doctor to request a prescription for xanax.

RIP- Prince

~~~

May

  • 17-year-old silverback gorilla-Harambe, shot dead by staff at Cincinnati Zoo after toddler climbs into his enclosure. No matter how it is staged, cruelty to animals is on display in every zoo in the world everyday.
  • Me-I undergo a skin patch test in which just under two hundred chemicals are applied to my back, labeled with permanent marker, covered with surgical tape, and I am told not to move, scratch, shower or perspire for five days. This is in attempt to discover what is causing my Scooby-Doo bad guy face removal skin malady.

 RIP: Harambe~~~

June

  • Britain votes to leave the European Union
  • Triple suicide bombing kills 45 wounds hundreds at Airport in Istanbul, Turkey.
  • Me-I find a dog named Stuart, fall in love with a dog named Stuart. Stuart’s owners tear my heart out by showing up to claim him.

RIP- Muhammad Ali (Boxer)

~~~

July

  • Temporary partial ceasefire in Syria’s civil war ends and war resumes.
  • Donald Trump becomes the Republican Party’s presidential nominee.
  • Hillary Clinton begins writing her acceptance speech— because Donald Trump is an unethical, misogynistic racist pig, and a bad business man- no one would vote for him…
  • Bastille Day, Nice – Truck plows into crowds killing 86, injuring 303. 
  • Five police officers shot dead during a ‘Black Lives Matter’ protest in Texas
  • Two knife-wielding terrorists storm a church service in Normandy, France, before forcing a priest to his knees and slitting his throat.
  • Me-Refinance house, take loans, sell soul to fund a single year of college educations for my two female spawn.
  • Skin condition continues.

RIP: Jacques Hamel (French Priest), Gary Marshall (Producer)

~~~


August

  • American swimmer Ryan Lochte branded asshole–rightly so. He should perhaps consider a life in politics.
  • Épi-pen prices increase 500% as Heather Bresch, Pharma CEO increases her own salary 670%
  • Me-I quit internet service with AT&T after they double my monthly charge, and attempt to acquire service from the evil empire- Comcast 
  • My girls are settled in their respective colleges.
  • My skin condition disappears as abruptly as it appeared in January…around the time college planning started— I am no longer the elephant man.

RIP- Gene Wilder(Actor)

~~~

September

  • Second attempt at ceasefire in Syria lasts 7 days.
  • Hurricane season- 15 storms are named, 7 upgraded to hurricane status.
  • Me- Comcast finally hooks up my new internet service which turns out to be almost as bad as not having internet service.

RIP: Edward Albee- (Playwright), and Arnold Palmer- (The golfer who annoyed every waitress who ever asked “What would you like to drink?” when he answered: “Would you mind mixing half a glass of ice tea with half lemonade.”)

~~~

October 

  • Presidential Debates prove entertaining.
  • Pussygate- game changer?
  • Clowning as a career option is no longer considered practical, as clownophobes are terrorized by the mere existence of clowns.
  • Cubs win! (win what?)
  • Me-I learn first hand how much easier life is for the mother of boys when preparing for a highschool dance than it is for the mother of girls. 
  • A health crisis nightmare begins for a family member- 
  • I age 10 years and my skin condition makes a reappearance. 

RIP: Cub’s curse


November

  • Hell freezes over as Donald Trump, (with the help of the Kremlin, and FBI’s James Comey), loses popular vote by just under 3 million votes, but will regardless be the First Dictator of the United States.
  • The Dakota pipeline sheds light on the oil industry’s despicable practices, corporate greed, and the continued injustices inflicted on American Indians.
  • Me- I can actually feel my hair turning gray as the health crisis in my family continues.
  • Hating Trump is a welcome distraction, and has become my hobby.

RIP- Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady), Leonard Cohen (songwriter), Fidel Castro (dictator), American Democracy (and ethics)

~~~


December

  • 12 people are killed when a lorry ploughs into a Christmas market in Berlin.
  • Third attempt at Syrian ceasefire begins.
  • Andrei Karlov, Russian ambassador to Turkey, gunned down by riot police officer, who screams “Allahu Akbar” and “Don’t forget Aleppo, don’t forget Syria.”
  • In response to every U.S. intelligence agency known to man confirming Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, Donald Trump says we are all sore losers, then rolls over to give Vladimir Putin an open mouth kiss. (Part of that is fake news.)
  • Obama issues new sanctions against Russia, to which Trump responds: “I think we ought to get on with our lives. I think that computers have complicated lives very greatly. The whole age of computer has made it where nobody knows exactly what is going on. We have speed, we have a lot of other things, but I’m not sure we have the kind, the security we need.” – This quote has not been embellished; he really is that stupid.
  • Donald Trump takes credit for every job ever created in US.
  • New Years Eve nightclub shooting in Istanbul leaves at least 40 dead.
  • Me-My family health crisis on hold- whether it is over remains to be seen.

RIP- John Glenn, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds

    ~~~

    Coming next year: Brexit Begins, Trump Inauguration, Trump Impeachment…

    I should mention that the only item on my to-do list for 2016, (my novel), will roll over to 2017.

    _______________

    December 30, 2016

    <a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/mope/”>Mope</a&gt;

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