Our Future Precedent 

Since the inauguration of our new “precedent” [sic] is imminent, I decided to research his background to be better prepared for what our future holds.

He was born 63 years ago, and grew up in a communal housing block in Leningrad. He was a street fighter, and often fought against boys who were bigger. His relatively small stature was in stark contrast with his ego, so in order to defend and align both he took up judo, eventually becoming a black belt.

As a child, he longed to work in soviet intelligence. He eventually studied law, and after graduating went on to join the KGB, becoming part of the secret police. His childhood aspirations were met when he became a spy in communist East Germany. In the 1990’s he was top aide to St Petersburg mayor Anatoly Sobchak, who had been his law professor. 

He joined Boris Yeltsin’s Kremlin in 1997, as chief of the Federal Security Service, and then went on to become prime minister. On New Year’s Eve of 1999 – Yeltsin quit and named him acting “precedent”.
 
He easily won the “precedential” election in March 2000, and two subsequent six year terms…although he may have, on occasion, had to knock off an opponent. 

His ex-wife believes he overworks himself, which might be why he’s been back on the dating market since his divorce in 2013. He doesn’t seem too lonely though, recently bragging: “Russian prostitutes are undoubtedly the best in the world.” He enjoys an 80% approval rating, horseback riding shirtless through grassy mountainous trails, and secretly filming pompous American billionaires (in compromising positions) with whom he has many secret financial dealings. If he had to choose a different career, he would be a computer hacker.

He annexed the Ukrainian territory of Crimea in 2014, and mercilessly kills women and children in Syria. He has expressed an interest in making Russia the superpower it once was, and his foreign policy can be categorized as offensive, as is clear in following quote:

“Fifty years ago the Leningrad street taught me a rule: if a fight is inevitable you have to throw the first punch,” ~ Vladimir Putin

___________________

January 19, 2017

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