Twenty one years ago today
On a hot humid summer’s day
Zoe landed on earth
(Yes—some call it birth)
‘Twas done in a quite painful way
*Fair Warning ⚠️ details of the story:
Are, well…indecorous and gory
From ruptured membranes
(Some might complain)
No meds, IV or suppository
“Stop screaming and try to focus!”
“Happy place! Use self hypnosis!”
I was a pirate “avast ye”
In pain “my dungbie!”
I had a baby— hmm almost didn’t notice
Although that last line isn’t true
Every cramp, stretch mark, saggy boob
I’d do it again
My daughter, my friend
Because my life, it began with you!
Happy Birthday little Zoe!
Hey! You with the uterus!
Stop right there!
Drop that insurance card!
Hands in the air!
You suspected pregnancy
And bought a urine test
Don’t try to pass it off as new—
The condition pre-exists!
Mammograms and Pap smears
All your women’s needs
You expect them to be covered
In your health plan? That’s just greed.
Rich old white male politicians
Won’t vote to subsidize the cost
Of care to keep you healthy here
In America— democracy is lost
Though they all had mothers
Who birthed them at one time
Do their moms see what happened
To their Repugnant offspring? It’s a crime.
A tax cut has priority
Over compassion and ethics
Viagra however— treats a condition
Which never pre-exists
So, you with the uterus,
Happy Mothers Day!
Of that uterus, what happens to it—
By the way, you have no say
Though the senate won’t approve this bill,
Their version keeps women under attack
Because it’s not orange, no it’s Women
Women are the GOP’s new black
Not that there’s anything wrong with trailer parks, but so I can understand your background, I have to ask, is that where you were raised? Probably not, because if you were I imagine someone would have slapped you on the side of your head and told you to get your damn shoes off the couch…sharp heeled shoes on a light colored sofa at that. Even if these are your new Ivanka shoes that you purchased on clearance, you do not put them on furniture—ever.I beg to differ with this tweet. This is basic diplomacy. Most cultures, such as the Japanese, remove shoes before entering a house, and in other cultures, such as Arab, showing the sole of your shoe is an insult. Even in my own filthy home, no one puts their shoes on my sofa—it’s disrespectful.
Listen, I am first and foremost a mother. The moment my children’s neck muscles allowed it, I taught them how to sit. It is essential that you consider what you are wearing before deciding on a sitting position.
And I am not being sexist in this post, because I extend the same reminder to men.
Kellyanne, it has been argued that you are bat shit crazy, is that the reason you sit the way you do? You will never be invited to meet the queen if you don’t learn how to sit. The queen made that mistake once.
You are not in pre-school, you are in a big girl job, wearing big girl clothes. Learn how to sit properly.
Yours with all the respect I can muster,
Parenting isn’t always so gratifying
If I claimed that it was you’d know I was lying
From colicky babe to a teen non-complying
Rules you broke you would claim needed clarifying
Light up shoes without laces before you were tying
First day of first grade you held tight- that was trying
Costly clothes you out grew I’d end up rebuying
The ones that were stained only needed tie-dying
Just a few days from now you’ll be off flying
Back to school then my makeup will need re-applying
Yes: “Parent well, children grow, bonds need untying.”
Now each time one leaves it’s my eyes that need drying
January 10, 2017
The news of Carrie Fishers death saddened me, but when I realized her mother has survived her I was heart broken. Singing in the Rain, Tammy and the Bachelor, The Unsinkable Molly Brown—all starred Carrie’s mom—Debbie Reynolds. I’m not sure if my children have ever heard of her, but I grew up watching her old films on my parents console tv. She was America’s sweetheart, and has had more than her share of devastation. No one should have to bury their child—even if the child is 60 years old.
Carrie Fisher also entertained me in my youth. Feminist Princess Leia led the rebellion in Star Wars…those films I saw in theaters. However, in my opinion Carrie Fisher’s real talent was writing. She wrote several semi autographical novels infused with her dry humor. In them she not only shed light on her life—far more interesting than any film, but she bravely disclosed her personal struggles with addiction and living with bipolar disorder in a time when those things were not discussed.
I recently read a statistic that 18 percent of the adult population suffers from some form of mental illness: conditions ranging from panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. The number is surprising because many people still suffer privately for fear of how it will change the way they’re treated.
Carrie Fisher was not just the bipolar child born of a Hollywood couple, she was an actress, a writer, a daughter, sister, mother— but her legacy might be that she gave sufferers of mental illness the courage to fight, and she helped the world understand— mental illness is not a failure, or a weakness, it’s a disease that doesn’t discriminate, and most importantly it doesn’t have to define you.
My favorite Carrie Fisher Quotes:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
“I don’t want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.”
“Youth and beauty are not accomplishments. They’re the temporary happy byproducts of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either.”
“Two of the saddest words in the English language are, ‘What party?'”
“I have two moods. One is Roy, rollicking Roy, the wild ride of a mood. And Pam, sediment Pam, who stands on the shore and sobs… Sometimes the tide is in, sometimes it’s out.”
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
“I’ve never been ashamed of my mental illness…it never occurred to me. Many people thank me for talking about it, and mothers can tell their kids when they are upset with the diagnosis that Princess Leia is bipolar too.”
“I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra.”
I send my cyber condolences to her family.
December 27, 2016
I remember when brown was the new black…the original new black. When brown was the new black my children were small, I was still married, and a heavy snowfall didn’t fill me with anxiety knowing there was a long driveway to clear before work.
Long underwear, sweaters, snow pants, coats, hats, scarves, mittens, boots—check, check, check, check, and check. Snow in the days when brown was the new black meant it was time to grab the sleds and head out back where the perfect long steep hill led to a creek that gave sledding an extra element of excitement. You had to know when to abandon ship. Hot chocolate was always waiting. Brown was a good new black.
But then it was pink. When pink was the new black I started working third shift. Life wasn’t so fun anymore because mom was always exhausted and moody. Pink was the new black for so long that pink became ugly. Now pink is the new heroin; a stronger, synthetic, deadly, legal version…but I digress.
After pink, every color of the rainbow had it’s fifteen minutes of fame as the new black. My life had as many shifts, both bad and good. Orange hit the jackpot with a television series.
When the world ran out of colors the new black morphed: Monday was my new Friday because I worked weekends, Volkswagen made a New Beetle, fifty became the new thirty (only fifty year olds believe that one), climate change is in the process of making beachfront property the new Atlantis…and the big finish: second is the new first…the new president-elect who came in second in popular votes won the election.
I can’t remember what I did with my time before all this nonsense, but I think life was simpler when black was black.
December 18, 2016